'Tis Better To Have Loved and Lost Than Never To Have Loved At All

Year 2014 is quickly coming to a close, and as I reflect on the past 12 months the famous phrase from Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", comes to mind.

One day, as I was driving alone (a very rare occurrence), my mind wandered to a wonderful memory of my grandma (a very common occurrence, especially since her death in July), and my heart/throat/tummy started to do that tightening thing and my eyes started to do that burning thing and I thought, "Boy I hate this, I really, really hate this, I miss my grandma so stinkin' much!" And then I thought..."but ya know what, I'm so incredibly grateful I had someone in my life I loved so much and who loved me so much that it causes me to feel this awful pain in their absence."...which of course then led to the remembrance of this quote.  

I love literature, I love that someone has already put into eloquent words how I was feeling at that moment.  It is better that I experienced my grandma's love for 27 years of my life even though the loss of that love hurts terribly.  Oh how I wish there were more years to hear her voice, watch her laugh, listen to her tell stories, feel the warmth of her hugs, but there's not, so I will embrace the pain that is associated with her memory and I will learn to love it because it means I was lucky enough to have experienced someone worth hurting for.  

Loss of a close loved one was a first for me this year and I not only experienced it once, but twice with the death of my grandpa in November.  I don't like death, it's a reminder that every single one of us has a limited time here on Earth with those we love and around things that are familiar.  It's sad, it's sobering, it involves change and I don't like change. But at the same time, death is also a reminder that for those who follow Christ, death has been conquered on the cross and this is not really our home anyway, there is something much much better waiting for us, thank God, because sometimes this place can be kind of hard and painful and confusing and unfair.  Although I believe in the existence of Heaven, and I believe it to be perfect and much better than where I am now, I have to be honest and tell you that it also scares me.  It scares me in the same way I get butterflies on the first day of school, it's the fear of the unknown...on a much much grander scale.  There are images in the Bible of what Heaven it like, but no one knows for sure what goes on in that place or how to conduct oneself in God's presence.  I suppose I should read more about it so I'm more prepared, but I don't think I will ever feel completely at ease about the transition, unless my grandma could come back and tell me ALL about it, every single little detail, because she would, she was great at telling stories with details, then I would feel a ton better, but she can't, no one can.  

So, basically, amongst the anxiety of trying to envision people I love going somewhere new (and envisioning myself there one day), there is a whole lot of peace and joy also, so I'm going to dwell on that, it's a good feeling to dwell on, and I might as well because the alternative doesn't change the fact that they are there and that I will end up there one day as well. And although death was a part of my year this year, it most definitely wasn't the only thing, and in fact, quite the opposite, three new little lives were added to our family this year! I became an auntie to two adorable nephews and a mommy to another son...life can be so so good at times!

Here's a highlight reel for your viewing pleasure :)

Boxes are always a hit!

Valentine's Day!

Annual Daddy Daughter Dance

She asks all year long when this dance is

Special moments with Grandpa Great

Doing what she does best, loving on my kids

Bedtime kisses through the rails

Happy Valentine's Day!!

There is always wrestling going on around here!

Dancing in the rain!

Announcing our exciting news

Daddy's birthday cake

The bookmarks we made to pass out to the elderly for Easter

Movie in the park!

Celebrating the upcoming arrival of my nephew

the proud parents to be!

more playing in the rain

Easter!

bug watching

Mother's Day breakfast

growing

Last day of PreK

Cheering on some super fast bikers!
So exhilarating!

It just isn't summer without a good snow cone!

Father's Day gift

Sweet hugs

Welcoming sweet baby Nicholas

Owen's two!!

Baby Nick!

Celebrate Freedom 

Visiting my grandma...last time I saw this sweet lady

Learning about Matryoshka dolls

That time we had to wear jackets in July...crazy!

Snuggling with his auntie!!

Royal treatment for this girl's 5th birthday!

Owen's dedication

VBS,
another thing we look forward to every year!

Getting ears pierced!!

She was so brave!!!

Time in Fargo for my grandma's funeral

our classic photo spot

Spreading her ashes on the plains of North Dakota

cousins!

goodbye crib! hello big boy bed!

admiring cousins

sun, sand, water...

aggressive geese!!

lots and lots of reading

downtown Dallas

We became Perot members

First day of PreK round two!

Hot air balloon festival...pigs CAN fly!

My SuperWhy guy!

We spent lots of time around this fountain outside the doctor's office

Last picture pregnant!!!!

Fall fun

Hi! I'm about to be a big brother!!!

He's here! He's here! He's herrrrrre!!!

squishy love

This place is way too loud

Pretty much all we did the first few weeks of his life

So comfy with big sis

reading to baby brother Blake

Happy Halloween!!

beautiful day for a picnic!

hugs!

Sweet friends at Blake's Sip n' See

This boy loves puzzles!

Road trip!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

In Plentwood, MT to celebrate the life of my grandpa

Great-Grandma snuggles

I love this lady!

Selah was a sheep in her school Christmas program

Hanging out at the mall with my girl!

Nutcracker with Selah

Hey! Where's the mistletoe??

Merry Christmas!!

Warm and snuggly

Wishing everyone a very Happy New Year!!  Praying 2015 brings us closer to God and brings many opportunities to bring Him glory and spread His love!