If You Only Knew

We recently celebrated my oldest child’s sixth birthday, and every year around this time I spend way too many hours looking through all her baby pictures and remembering all the feels of becoming a mom for the first time. 

SO! MANY! FEELS!

On July 23, 2009 I was so incredibly giddy with excitement as I imagined what my life would be like as a mommy, something I had always longed to be ever since I was a little girl.  Countless hours of daydreaming and anticipating what it would be like to create a little human, and care for that human, and play with that human, and watch that human learn and grow, and to be loved by that human, a love like never before, the love of a child, my child.  It was going to be love and laughter and joy ALL THE TIME.  I had expectations.  I had ideas.

We stepped into that hospital room an hour shy of the 24^th of July, and as I awkwardly knotted the ties of that green and beige gown, and as contractions started to pick up and my body started shaking and shivering because of the overwhelmingness of it all, I realized that maybe, just maybe, things were going to be a little bit different than those expectations and ideas. 

As I look back at those pictures and see that twenty-one year old new, tired,

nervous, excited, hurting, questioning, emotional, concerned, enamored, incredibly head-over-heels in love with her baby girl mom, 

I just think, if you only knew…

If You Only Knew you are NOT doing everything wrong.

Everything I did, every decision I made, every move I took, I judged, I questioned, and ultimately determined was not right.  Did I feed her enough? Too much? Did I play with her enough? Too much?? Read her enough books? Sing her enough songs? Did I hold her too much? Not enough?? Did I let her nap too long? Did I play the music too loudly? Did I use the wrong detergent? Did I use the right diapers? Diaper cream? Wipes? Did I over stimulate her with that loud rattle? Bounce her too hard? Did she cry too long before I realized I was needed? Does she know how much I LOVE her, does she know that I’m trying my very best to care for her?! The questioning, the doubting, the worrying, it was all part of the process of getting me to this point, but if I had only known how unnecessary it was to beat myself up constantly it would have saved me much heartache and allowed me to focus more on enjoying my baby and resting in the reassurance that everything would be okay.  Babies are incredibly strong creatures.  Their tiny sevenish pound bodies are deceivingly durable.  They don’t require perfection, they just need you to do the best you can without drowning yourself in worry and doubt. Trust yourself, give yourself some credit, know that you are more than capable, you got this!! It’s undoubtedly difficult, but you got this!

If You Only Knew you will NOT do everything right.

Nope. No way. No how. This seems a little bit opposite of encouraging, but hear me out. Take a deep breath and say it with me, “I will NOT do everything right.” There. Now let it soak in. Isn’t it encouraging to know that there is no possibility to be a perfect mother? So don’t hold yourself to that standard. Mistakes will be made, plenty of them.  Some will be big honkin’ mistakes, some will be so tiny they go unnoticed.  From the beginning of time parents have been making mistake, after mistake.  This is okay because we learn from them, our offspring learn from them, it makes both child and momma stronger, wiser, human. 

If You Only Knew that it’s okay to want to be alone.

Before having my daughter I told my husband that the first couple days of her life I was just going to stare at her, all day, not sleep, just stare in awe at her beauty, how could I not?! Uh, ya, right, that ship sailed two hours in.  Sleep is good, it is necessary for survival, no matter how adorable you think your little shnookums is, you will need sleep.  You will also need to eat, drink, shower…speaking of showering…favorite. thing. ever!! I woke up in the morning dreaming about that daily shower, and the anticipation of getting to pass off sweet baby girl to daddy once he got home so I could hop in the shower ALONE for 10-15 (ok, 30ish) minutes was the apple dangling before me as I went through my day.  At first, actually for quite a long time, I had SO MUCH mommy guilty, pretty much over everything, but particularly over the desire to be without my child.  If I really loved her like I claimed I did, then why did I sometimes long to be away from her? Here’s why: babies have so many needs. Oh, so many.  And trying to take on all those needs without a break, a chance to breathe, to hear your own thoughts, to just be still and do nothing is impossible. I’m not so sure there’s an accurate way to measure love, but I’m fairly certain it’s not measured by the number of hours physically spent together. Instead of feeling guilty for wanting some childless time, think of it as time spent recharging to better care for your baby’s needs when you are together.  Give that sweet bundle of joy to your husband, grandma, aunt, friend and relax guilt-free mama, guilt-free.

If You Only Knew the importance of finding your village.

Once that precious little one is home…get out!!! Go for a walk, go window shopping (or, actual shopping), grab a coffee or snow cone or frozen yogurt, go to the park or a friend’s house, find a library storytime, join a mommy group, just GO! I understand the hesitation when weather is too hot or too cold or too wet and the germy season is upon us, but get creative and get moving.  That baby of yours will enjoy all the new sights and sounds of the scenery around him or her and there will be plenty of compliments and congratulations from all kinds of sweet people as you venture out and about. Soak it up! For nine long months (NINE!) I secluded myself in our tiny apartment going through all the mommy motions alone.  I’d walk around our complex from time to time or go on a quick grocery run, and we took a few trips to visit family, but I never found my village.  I had no idea what I was missing out on!! They were out there, but I was just too fearful to do my part and find them.  Fearful of being judged, mostly, because I knew I had no idea what I was doing…turns out no one really knows what they’re doing! Whew!! I finally worked up the nerve and started going to a library storytime every week which led to new friendships and discoveries.  I joined an exercise group for moms called Stroller Strides and it was seriously the best thing I ever did! I met so many supportive and encouraging moms who were constantly inspiring me.  We had playdates and Moms Night Outs and, bonus, I got in a great workout three days a week! Loved it, loved it, loved it! It took me until my second was born, but I eventually found a mom’s bible study, kind of like MOPS, and really wish I had found that sooner too!  Once I found my people I felt like an entirely different person.  There were moms I could get advice from, laugh and cry with, find fun adventures with, and just enjoy the company of someone who also knew what it was like to handle a diaper disaster in a public restroom, someone who got it, had been there done that.  It was so refreshing! Mothering was never intended to do alone…so don’t! FIND YOUR PEOPLE!!!

If You Only Knew to not take baby’s cry personally.

The sound of my daughter’s cries literally caused me physical pain.  A pit would form in the bottom of my stomach, I’d get all tingly and my head would throb, my heart felt like it was being squeezed, and if in public I’d get all hot, red, and sweaty.  It was awful. Not because the sound itself but because it meant my baby was in distress…because of me, because of something I was or was not doing.  I would allow that idea to overwhelm me, and it paralyzed me for a moment before being able to tend to her needs.  I would start the day promising myself today would be the day of no crying because I would perfectly meet every need, only smiles, all day, from both of us.  Ridiculous! Talk about setting yourself up for failure.  Babies cry, it’s what they do.  It’s how they communicate.  I’ve even read it can be cathartic for them. Once I realized this, I would just remind myself that she wasn’t crying at me, she was crying for me. I reminded myself I was capable and I was going to be able to meet whatever need she had, may take a few attempts and time to figure out what the need was or to get to a place possible to meet that need (i.e. stuck in a car, blah) but it was going to be met and this child was going to be okay. She was not going to be scarred for life or die from crying, she was going to be just fine.  I was not a bad mother, just one trying her darnedest to care for this little being.  So cry on wee one, I’m here for you.

If You Only Knew there would be moments during motherhood you’d hate.

That’s right, hate. Taking care of a baby, particularly a newborn, can be painful, messy, smelly, unpredictable, exhausting, terrifying. I have no idea why I never assumed it would be this way from time to time, I worked in a day care for pete’s sake…I should have known! But I didn’t, it totally took me off guard how negative my feelings and thoughts could turn while caring for this beautiful girl I loved so much. And then…guilt…and plenty of it. A few years ago I found this blog post titled “Don’t Carpe Diem” by Glennon Doyle and it changed. my. world. She writes:

“I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure.  I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often.”

 There are times parenting is no fun, no fun at all, and it’s okay to feel that way and it’s okay to admit it. No, I do not enjoy cleaning various bodily fluids from the couch, curtains, carpet, table, clothing, bedding.  No, being woken up every hour of the night is not my favorite. I do not like the feel or smell of spit up running down my shirt.  

Trying to entertain an antsy, wiggly little one while confined on an airplane for four hours is actually quite challenging. Having to cancel a highly anticipated date night to nurse a feverish babe back to health is a tad disappointing. Singing nursery rhymes and reading board books all the time is not necessarily as enthralling as it seems. 

It is not pleasant trying to care for a baby while trying to recover from an illness, in fact, it’s horrible. 

Oh believe me, there are many, many sweet, joyful, mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey, delightful, picture perfect, worth-every-bit-of-it moments, 

it’s just that it isn’t always like that and you don’t have to pretend it is. So soak up those moments that make your heart swell…and during those other moments, well, first off, don’t allow guilt to creep in, and secondly, you're not alone, someone else out there somewhere has gone through something similar and most likely hated it just as much as you, and then know that those sweet moments will come right back around to remind you why you do what you do and why being a mom is the most incredible job title you will ever claim.  

Everyone experiences becoming a new mom differently, but I hope you were able to draw a bit of encouragement from mine. I look back on that time of my life with such gratitude; gratitude for having experienced it, and gratitude for having to never experience it again.  I much prefer reliving it through my memories. There was so much beauty in it all, but also so much hard.  So, dear reader who may be a new mom, hang in there. I pray your heart is bursting with love and excitement over the way your life has forever changed, I hope you find all the strength and support you need to endure the tougher times, and I wish you and your family a huge, ginormous CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!