You Are God, And I Am Not

You are God, and I am not.

This phrase has been on my mind and heart for awhile now. It just keeps popping it's way into my thoughts, a little reminder here and there as I go about my day. Because see, the past couple months haven't exactly gone the way I would have wanted them to go and I've really needed the reminder of this truth.

Daniel and I went into 2016 knowing our plans for our family were to lay low a bit, keep life simple, stay away from any major changes, and have a little fun. At the start of this year Daniel had pointed out that all of the seven and a half years of our marriage has included a pregnancy, infant, or toddler. Now don't get me wrong I love me some babies and there is absolutely nothing I would change about those seven years. Buuuuut, as any parent will tell you, there is very little freedom and much sacrifice during those early child-rearing years and looking ahead at the year I knew that by summer we'd have a seven year old, four year old, and an almost two year old. This age range got me super excited and I thought up all the fun family adventures we were going to have like a family beach trip which hasn't happened since the summer Selah turned two and maybe a weekend away with my love. Selah would be in first grade in the fall and Owen would be in preschool two days a week which left lots of time playing with Blake, and perhaps catching up on life like organizing my home, learning a new skill, writing a book, creating something, anything...y'all, I had PLANS. Basically, what it boils down to, is life was going to be fun and easy and comfortable. 

Oh, guys, can you just hear God laughing right now?! When is life ever suppose to be just fun, easy, and comfortable? He always has so much more for us.

You are God, and I am not. 

We ran into a couple bumps in the road early on with some health stuff. Blake had an awful, terrible reaction to amoxicillin. He got a super itchy rash and he swelled up all over his little body. He couldn't sleep and he was absolutely miserable. It was a nightmare. Thankfully we had some amazing friends step in and help us out while Blake healed. Then, as silly as this one sounds, the big kids and I got a bunch of bug bites that itched like crazy and wouldn't go away for weeks. Owen in particular was pretty miserable and had a hard time sleeping. Then, Selah got a virus right before Easter, Blake got croup and had to be taken to the ER on Easter night, and a few days later Owen got croup. A couple weeks after that we thought we broke Blake's wrist when Daniel caught him from falling down some stairs. It ended up just being a nursemaid's elbow that healed quickly, but it was our third trip to the ER in two months. I was also in and out of the doctor a couple times for some health stuff that wouldn't go away during this time. And Selah had the 24 hour stomach bug a couple times mixed in there. 

I was starting to get a little discouraged. This wasn't exactly the easy, fun year I had anticipated.  

Still, You are God, and I am not.   

Life settled down for a bit, but then came May.

Daniel came downstairs and told me he just got off the phone with his boss and his company was discontinuing the product he worked on. He was being laid off and had three months to find a new job. My immediate reaction was that this news was no big deal at all. I knew he would find a new job pretty much right away, he was not going to have any problem finding a new job, I know he's fantastic at what he does and he's smart and capable, and everyone loves him. So in my mind he's going to talk to some people, set up an interview or two, and get a new job in the next couple weeks, tops. And that's exactly what happened, except what I didn't expect is that this job would wind up being in Austin.

Again, You are God and I am not.

So, we cancelled most of our summer plans, including a four night getaway without kids, which hasn't happened innnnn, ever. Super bummed about that one. Instead we cleaned, organized, and packed up our house to get it ready to sell. The same weekend we were supposed to leave for our getaway we headed to Austin instead to look for a place to live. Not exactly the relaxing weekend we were hoping for, but very productive and a sweet time with my guy. We had our first ever garage sale. Stressful. We got together, as many times as possible, with family and friends. We dotted our i's and crossed our t's and wrapped up our lives in McKinney. 

Selling our McKinney home and moving four hours away from our family and friends was NOT what I had planned for our year. Or the year after that, or the year after that, or the year after that. I had dug in our family roots and intended for us to grow and thrive in our little community for, I don't know, forever maybe. God provided so abundantly for us when we first moved to McKinney with amazing, amazing, amazing friendships and I never would have imagined He would have us say goodbye to doing everyday life together with those friends. So many farewell tears. 

I don't know all the why's. I don't know why there was more sickness than usual in our home this year. I don't know why Daniel's product was discontinued, causing him to find a new job in a new city. But I DO know that this is God's plan for our family and I trust Him. He is good and His plans are good. Always. Jeremiah 29:11 gives us this promise.

Then a bigger truth weaved it's way into my thoughts as I was doing dishes in our new home. Again, it started with the simple idea that God is God, and I am not. But wait, think about that again. God. G-O-D. Who is God? I started thinking about all that He is, and the one word that kept popping up was: POWERFUL. God is all-knowing and all-powerful. He is the creator of this universe. He is the creator of mankind. He is the creator of me. He is so much more than I will ever know or understand. And I believe He exists. I believe this Earth and universe didn't just appear out of nothingness, I believe there is a creator God who brought it all into existence, and for some reason He allowed me to be apart of it. I suddenly started to feel really small, and He started to feel really big. As it should be. Because, if there is this all powerful God who can do anything He wants, which I believe there is, then why in the world does He want to be in a relationship with me. He could very easily destroy all that He created. He could start over. He can do whatever He wants. But yet, we're here. Because He is merciful and gracious and loving. He is majestic and powerful and mighty, yet He made a way, through the sacrificial death of His son Jesus, for us to be in relationship with Him. This absolutely blew my mind this afternoon. There is this God, who is more powerful than we could ever understand, and yet He loves us and is merciful towards us and desires to know us and love us. 

I have heard the redemptive story of the gospel so. many. times. I have heard countless sermons, participated in numerous Bible studies, it's right there jumping off the pages of my Bible every time I open it. But all too often I grow numb to it. I grow weary in my wonder of it. I don't take the time to pause and think about what an outstanding, mighty God we serve. I mean, to be quite honest, I wish God would make His presence more known from time to time. I wish I could audibly hear His voice, I know some people have, but I never, ever have heard His voice out loud like a real person talking to me. I believe I've "heard" him in my heart and soul, that I completely believe. I believe the Holy Spirit leads and guides and "speaks" to me throughout my day. But why can't it be more obvious? Why can't He show us Himself in more tangible ways? 

Because He is God, and I am not. 

I think, because He doesn't just walk through our doors in flesh and blood, we forget Him, or we minimize Him, or we doubt Him. But how arrogant of me to think I can tell Him how to be God. G-O-D God. How sinful of me to think I know better than Him. My faith and trust in my God has grown over the past few weeks and I wouldn't have been brought to this place if it hadn't been for the events that took place at the beginning of our year. I'm thankful for that. I'm not necessarily thankful for the sickness or the move, but I'm thankful for the beauty He makes from ashes.  

So now I'm ready to dig in our family roots in this new soil He's placed us in and commit to loving the people around us, serving our community the best I know how, and growing closer to Him. I'll try to remember that life isn't about being comfortable or easy, it's about bringing Him glory. There is still so, so much more for me to learn, and so, so much further growth to be done, so God help me remember that You are sovereign and You are good. You are mighty and merciful. You are powerful and loving. I don't deserve Your good gifts, but I accept them with thanksgiving. Help me remember my rightful place. 

YOU ALONE ARE GOD, and I most certainly am not.